How to succeed in blogging without really trying

I blog a lot. I read blogs all day. I’ve been blogging a long, long time (8.5 years). My actual job title? Blogger. I know that of which I speak. So take this advice to heart. Here are my tips on how to succeed at blogging without really trying:

  • First of all you have to call yourself an expert. Do not mistake being an actual expert with calling yourself one. When in doubt go with Social Media Expert, nobody is sure what the hell that means yet so you can probably shine it on for a long, long time. Also, being “in new media” will go a long way.
  • If you are not an expert you must have a kid
  • Make sure every thought you have can be broken into a bulleted list of some sort. Do not worry about sentence structure, word choice, or any of that. The list, that is all that matters.
  • Include pictures with every post regardless of if they have anything to do with the actual content of your post. People like pictures, it distracts them from the vapidness of your pointless list
  • All your post headlines should be something along the lines of ‘8 sure-fire ways to do something,’ ’13 signs you’re a social media expert,’ ’33 ways to become a Twitter influencer,’ ’17 people I slept with last year and how I broke up with them using Tumblr’
  • When in doubt write about Twitter, this should be good for at least 4 posts a week
  • If you are in your 30s or older, only sleep with people a decade younger than you are, make sly references to it on Twitter
  • Twitter
  • Only be friends with people who have web sites. Link to each other obsessively, take copious pictures of every time you go out to dinner and post them immediately. Be sure to Twitter everything.
  • Post animated gifs
  • Post pictures of celebrities with crude drawings on them
  • Always be Twittering
  • On a slow blog day talk about all the people you will not follow and/or friend on any of the various social networking sites. Make sure to include that smug sense of superiority because, after all, you are the expert
  • Post about how in demand you are and how it’s difficult to keep track of your busy, demanding life.
  • Randomly punctuate your lists because you’re too incensed to be consistent
  • Announce hiatuses or threaten to give up blogging/twittering/the internet/facebook/tumblr at least once every six months
  • Give out lots and lots of advice on anything you feel like giving advice on shoes, children, saving money, getting a job, it doesn’t matter — this is how you establish your expertness. Make sure to mention how it’s good for SEO, personal branding, Social Media, or Social Networking.
  • Diss some blogger in your blogspehere in an attempt to drum up some drama. We heart drama.
  • Twitter about the drama
  • Sell the drama
  • Twitter every post you make, and make sure to retweet anything that anyone ever says about you or your blog. This is vital!
  • At least once a week cryptoblog about some big event, gig, project, relationship that you cannot talk about
  • Write a lot about conversations and being real and making connections, especially when it comes to using Twitter. However, do not actually do any of that stuff. After all, this is the Internet where we only connect over bulleted lists with pictures of teddy bears. Save the actual conversation, realness, and connection for the lowly, navel-gazing personal bloggers who have ruined the Internet.
(Visited 79 times, 1 visits today)

26 Comments

  1. Aaron 14.Jan.09 at 6:13 pm

    I always thought it was good to take a stand on a subject where your audience gets polarized and fired up. That is, when your subject is about blogging, Facebook or Twitter. Do it even though you have no real authority or right to dictate how a service should be used:

    http://s4xton.com/1683/twitters-deception/
    http://s4xton.com/1726/facebook-chat-and-away-messages/

    Oh, and of course, if you speak about social media or “Web 2.0,” publicly, blog about it:

    http://s4xton.com/1781/web-20-101/

    …and be a “leader” by speaking out against people that annoy you:

    http://twitter.com/s4xton/status/1114622725
    http://search.twitter.com/search?q=bcollinsmn+s4xton

    Take pride when people shit-talk you like this:

    http://twitter.com/iotajudy/statuses/1031493044

    I’m a social media expert!!!!!1111

    Reply
  2. Jodi 14.Jan.09 at 6:29 pm

    Sweet! You are already a blogging success without really trying. Congratulations.

    Reply
  3. Jodi 14.Jan.09 at 6:34 pm

    I’m a little pissed that I forgot to mention stuff about Web 2.0 and the semantic web. Damnit.

    Reply
  4. BigD 15.Jan.09 at 12:03 am

    I didn’t realize how much Dooce annoyed you.

    Reply
  5. Doug 15.Jan.09 at 2:12 am

    I’m only an expert about my navel. I’m not really trying but I’m not succeeding. That’s it–I’m giving up blogging!

    Reply
  6. Jodi 15.Jan.09 at 7:11 am

    BigD, it actually has nothing to do with Dooce specifically but just the whole mommyblogging category in general.

    I enjoy her (and a lot of other mommyblogger’s) writing quite a bit. But thanks for the assumption and the courage to post under your actual name!

    Reply
  7. Wendy 15.Jan.09 at 7:23 am

    Dear Jodi,

    I love you.

    XOXO,
    Wendy

    Reply
  8. Jodi 15.Jan.09 at 7:28 am

    Clearly you hate Dooce too!

    I knew going into it that only a few people would get this post, and you’d be one of them.

    Reply
  9. christa 15.Jan.09 at 12:51 pm

    Can I add one? How about, if you feel you aren’t being funny enough, just say something about bacon.

    Reply
  10. Jodi 15.Jan.09 at 12:56 pm

    You could probably substitute twitter for bacon in the list above and be correct. How could I forget bacon?

    Reply
  11. Alphonse Rivera von Stupp 15.Jan.09 at 1:00 pm

    Dearest Jodi,

    As a 33-year-old M.D./Ph.D. candidate in the field of Thermonuclear Plasma Physics and Electromagnetic Discharge of Retrostatic Fluid Environments at Near Kelvin Temperatures and its Effect on the Semantic Web and Social Media Mommyblogging, my children – aged 8, 12, and 15 – and I have long been resolved to:

    – show greater concern toward our own posts on our own blogs and other social media outlets (e.g. Twitter, Flickr, Tumblr, etc.)‘

    – show greater concern toward our fellow social media contributors and cohorts.

    – show greater concern toward the effect of social media on underdeveloped, third-world nations;

    By the way, here is a picture of a sunset I took at Lake Minnetonka recently:

    ^^ @@@@@@@@@
    ^^ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
    @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ ^^
    @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
    ~~ ~~~~~~~~ &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& ~ ~~~~~~
    ~ ~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
    ~~ ~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~ ~
    ~ ~~~~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~
    ~ ~ ~~ ~~~~~~ ~~ ~
    ~ ~ ~~ ~

    I would also like to address the issues of undergraduate students I have had sex with and their inappropriate Following of my children on Twitter when they don’t even have a website of their own where I can leave non-positive comments concerning their:

    – poor performance in bed

    – inadequate I.Q.

    – sub par essay writing

    – statistically anomalous reliance on choice “c” in multiple-choice test answering

    As you well know, the 140 character limit on Twitter is very confining when try to disparage these undergraduate students, and without having a place of their own where I can fully expound upon their inadequacies I feel I should not have Followed them in the first place and am less likely to Follow potential undergraduate sexual conquests in the future.

    Furthermore, as a very busy parent, student, teacher and fornicator I’m not sure I even have time to Follow these people anymore or even, dare I say, have time to continue blogging and using other semantic web apps! I may have to drop it all in order to finally complete my M.D./Ph.D.

    Which all, of course, brings me to the point of this post, which is: You are oh, so very wrong in your assessment of successful web 2.0 applications and I take great umbrage at you and your position. You are a cruel, talentless hack with the I.Q. of a blue heron who must be stopped in your attempt to undermine the very fabric of our electronic existence. When I next meet with my group of fellow Web 2.0-ers at our private, bi-monthly meetup I shall make sure your post received top priority. Rest assured these are people with whom I’ve cultivated real and lasting relationships with, people who have real power in the world of social media – you shall pay for your words here today.

    In fact, I think I’ll go tweet about all this right now.

    Yours truly,
    Alphonse Rivera von Stupp

    P.S. – Your shoes are awful.

    Reply
  12. UH 15.Jan.09 at 2:38 pm

    tl;dr

    Reply
  13. Jodi 15.Jan.09 at 2:43 pm

    All you need to know is that my shoes, they are great.

    Reply
  14. david 17.Jan.09 at 11:00 am

    Amen, sister.

    Reply
  15. Chris Blake 17.Jan.09 at 11:12 am

    That sounds like too much work. At least I’ve got the kid. Can I just make him do the rest?

    Reply
  16. Jodi 17.Jan.09 at 11:15 am

    Chris, only if your kid claims to be a social media expert. If not, you’re screwed.

    Reply
  17. FFJ 17.Jan.09 at 8:01 pm

    My God. If that post doesn’t win you some kind of award there is no justice in the world. And the bacon, oh the bacon!

    Reply
  18. Tammy 06.Aug.09 at 11:27 am

    Witty & wicked post, loved it!

    Reply
  19. Marie 15.Dec.09 at 5:46 pm

    There is no picture of a teddy bear with this post! What’s up with that?

    Reply
  20. Jodi 15.Dec.09 at 5:51 pm

    I think the problem is that I’m trying, right?

    Reply
  21. Pam van Hylckama Vlieg 15.Dec.09 at 5:54 pm

    I prefer to call myself a “social media douchebag” I prefer this better than expert and people that have no idea what a social media douchebag is really respond to my hip lingo…

    Great post! (Silicon Valley Internet Company Blogger) aka Expert…

    Reply
  22. margosita 08.Sep.10 at 6:48 pm

    Ooh, gold. I knew there was a reason I was reading. Expert blogdom here I come!

    Reply

Leave A Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *