On reading the shitty, shitty Wedding by Nicholas Sparks

I pity the people who have had to drive alongside of me the past week or so. I am sure, were they to look over at the tall girl in the ruby-red truck they’d have thought something was seriously wrong, and with good reason.

I’ve been listening to The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks and it mostly made me want to vomit all the time. In fact my urge to vomit was so real and visceral that I would often make gagging noises while sticking out my tongue at Sparks’ predictable and treacley prose. I rolled my eyes so much I was afraid they’d get stuck in some goofy position.

Seriously this is the worst book I have ever read/listened to/witnessed. Even worse than the shitty, shitty Secret Life of Bees. I think. When you get to this level of abject shittness it’s really hard to judge that which is the shittiest.

I didn’t want to read The Wedding. It’s a bookclub pick and I even suggested to Sister #2 that I was not going to read it, which lead to a lecture about how I need to teach them why it’s shitty, shitty, and how they were reading my books so I couldn’t be such a bitch.

The Thin Place is tough, and they’re reading it,” she said.
“But it’s good!”

Of course, since she’s a Social Worker, Sister #2 would not let me treat those not so forunate as I to be blessed with good taste in literature so poorly.

So I listened to the shitty, shitty Wedding by Nicholas Sparks, and it is everything I hate in a book: predictable, cliche, trite, coy, and it includes a ‘surprise’ ending just to make it extra special bad. There’s nothing that makes me angrier than a coy fucking narrator. I hate that shit. How can I take your character seriously when I find out at the end that he’s been lying to me throughout the entire novel? Why did Wilson have to be coy with me?

A book about a guy trying for an entire year to keep a wedding a secret from his wife would be much more interesting than this shitty, shitty book about a guy who is helping plan a last minute wedding for his daughter.

The absolute worst thing about this fucking wedding premise is that the whole lie was shitty and predictable. I knew that the main guy was throwing this ‘wedding’ to make up for forgetting his anniversary on like page 10 (or the audiobook equivalent of page 10).

I hate this book so much that I kind of want to find Nicholas Sparks and break his keyboard and steal all his pens so this kind of crappy pap is no longer foisted on the unwitting public.

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14 Comments

  1. PeeWee 29.Jun.06 at 9:09 pm

    Could you tell us how you REALLY feel? Heh!

    Reply
  2. Betsy 30.Jun.06 at 1:59 pm

    Some people have raved so much about how they liked one of the movies based on his book, oh yeah, The Notebook, but every time I have started to read one of his books I can’t get past the first chapter because it seems so corny, so cliched, so boring, so predictible, so sappy, so smarmy, I just couldn’t keep on reading, but I could keep going on about how it was unappetizing for me.

    I have King Dork on hold at the library, based on your recommendation. I loved Catcher in the Rye too. King Dork is in the young adult section at our library. If it’s like Catcher, it will appeal to all ages.

    Reply
  3. Elle 07.May.08 at 3:15 pm

    I don’t think it was that bad. However, I enjoyed listening to your opinion. Quite entertaining. I can also see from your point of view and have to agree that it would have been better had he told us about the wedding from the bedding.

    Reply
  4. Elle 07.May.08 at 3:16 pm

    *beginning.

    Reply
  5. Kasey Morfin 15.Oct.08 at 10:02 am

    i totally DISAGREE you dont go callin a book shitty thats just wrong i love this book even tho im only on pg 22 you dont know what you tlkin so dont even start with me and if you need to know more the number is 539-9982 peace out home skillet

    Reply
  6. Jodi 15.Oct.08 at 10:07 am

    You are free to have an opinion. I am guessing by your inability to punctuate that you are the target market for this book. I hope you live happily ever after with it.

    Reply
  7. hanna 12.Oct.09 at 9:30 am

    Omg, i HATE nicholas sparks too.

    Reply
  8. ED 12.Oct.09 at 6:47 pm

    The male Jodi Picoult?

    Reply
  9. Jodi 13.Oct.09 at 10:29 pm

    My friends make fun of me because I refuse Jodi Picoult. It has nothing to do with the quality or content of her writing, and everything to do with being a famous writer named Jodi. Oh, and I’m weird.

    Reply
  10. Carol 19.Jan.10 at 4:45 pm

    You are so right about Nicholas Sparks. Worst writer EVER! Years ago I read “The Notebook”. I’m still pissed that I wasted my time and money on that dribble. He is successful because they knew how to market his crap. I haven’t given him another chance. Should I?

    Reply
  11. Jodi 19.Jan.10 at 4:53 pm

    No. Instead go read something good. Try Dan Chaon or Ethan Canin or Mary Gaitskill or Amy Bloom.

    Reply
  12. Rachael 18.Feb.10 at 2:40 am

    So i just finished reading Dear John and I read the notebook a couple years ago. I hate nicholas sparks. this books suck so bad i was completely bored the whole time during BOTH thos books. I just recently bought The Last Song and havent started it yet but i have decided after finishing Dear John that i’m going to take the last song back.
    i loved the movies based on these books but then that makes sense cus they arent even close to being like the books. fortunately the directors have understood how boring his books are and have decided to add more interesting stuff to them. LOL. take that nicholas sparks you suck!
    anyone wanna read a REAL romance book go read pride &prejudice. it’s waaaay better.

    Reply
  13. Rett 12.Jul.10 at 12:41 am

    Rachael, you’re probably never going to see this but I would just like to point out that Pride & Prejudice is NOT a romance book. Anyone considering it to be one did not actually read it. They probably watched the movie and only paid attention to the interpretation of Mr. Darcy which makes him out to be less of an asshole in the beginning with his longing glances and puppy dog eyes.

    Jodi, I agree with the things you don’t like about Nicholas Sparks’ novel. Like the treacle dialogue, how predictable and trite it is, etc. But being a writer I thought you would be able to find a better way to describe it than “shitty, shitty writing” multiple times in your review. I know irony is a word thrown around way too much but I feel it might be appropriate for your review.

    Reply
  14. Psyche 31.Jul.11 at 7:22 pm

    Words cannot express my immense hatred for Nicholas Sparks, and The Wedding is a shining example. I tried to get through the book, but it was way too disgustingly sappy and cliche, and the “surprise” was vomit inducing.

    Reply

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