thinking about my biological father

one of my friends is having surgery next week. it reminded me of the one time in my life when i had surgery. for some reason i keep coming back to that memory today. you know, besides when i relayed the story to my friend. the memory of having surgery keeps popping up in my head. i am not sure why. maybe it’s because i am lethargic and my brain is even too lazy to think of something original.

so, i’ve suffered significant hearing loss in my left ear. it’s because i had a hole in my eardrum and it went undetected for a long time. i was digging in my ears all the time. i thought there were bugs in there. that’s when my mom decided to see what in the hell what was wrong. i told the doctor that an ant crawled into my ear and ate something in there. i am really not sure what caused the whole in my ear drum.

the doctor decided surgery was in order and i had to go into the hospital. this was back in the day when you had to stay a couple of days after surgery. i don’t recall if this was before or after surgery, but i was laying in the hospital bed and i spied the id bracelet on my wrist. i read it and was dismayed that my name was wrong. it said Jodi St. Martin. that isn’t me. i asked my parents why my name last name wasn’t Chromey like their’s and ericka’s last name. my mom explained to me that i had a different dad, which i didn’t understand at all, and that St. Martin used to be her last name. i though that whole spiel was lame. i kept asking them to make my last name like everyone else’s. shortly after that, my dad formally adopted me and i became Jodi Chromey. pretty rad, huh?

i’ve never met my biological father. sometimes it sorta intrigues me. there is a man roaming this earth who is responsible for my mere existence and yet i don’t know him. there is a man, who according to my mom, looks like me, talks like me and laughs like me. i gather i don’t get my incessant curiosity from him. because i cannot imagine having a child of mine around and not knowing about them. not wanting to know every little thing. i wonder if he even knows my name. strange, isn’t it?

i often time wonder if he’s a lot like me. i am not too much like my family. i love my sisters and parents to death, but we all know that i don’t quite fit in. i guess it’s one of my “things.” ‘sides being the “smart” one, i am the one who doesn’t quite fit. but they love me unconditionally, so that really doesn’t matter does it? back to the biological father. . . i wonder if he’s creative or artistic at all. i wonder if he has a passion for the written word and can be struck speechless in the face of a stunning painting. i wonder if the news makes him cry. or if certain words make him cry. i wonder if he has dreams that sometimes come true or if his nightmares keep him up at night.

of course there is the more practical side of things that i wonder to. does diabetes, breast cancer or heart disease run in his family? aren’t those things that i should know?

but, here is the part that really slays me. he lives right here in the same tiny town i do. 5.4 miles away from me. really, it’s too much to even think about. my brain could be crushed by the implications. sometimes i just wonder if maybe i don’t see him all the time at the gas station, or stand behind him in line at the grocery store. part of me tells me that i would know. that some sort of internal alarm would go off and i could tell. but really, how would i know?

so, most people ask, “why don’t you contact him?” because i am chicken. i’m scared to death of meeting him. what if he doesn’t want to meet me? what if he’s disappointed? what if he’s forgotten? but mostly i worry that he won’t like me, that he’ll think i am not so great and such a rejection would crush me. i am not strong enough to handle something like that. just thinking about it makes my hands shake and tears run down my face.

and yeah, so that’s what i’ve been thinking about all day.

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42 Comments

  1. Mark Sasseville 22.Mar.03 at 12:16 pm

    what the hell i have no clue how i could find my biological father could you help like can u give me some tips on how i might be able to.
    im from windsor and there used to be a place called the hook and ladder and my mom and my real dad used to go there all the time so all i have to do is find sum 1 else that used to go there and ask them who was with my mom.PLZ HELP

  2. cal 24.Apr.03 at 2:43 pm

    my father left me when i was only two, for amny different reasons I am not aware of………I don’t miss him ,but i want him to know i’m doing GREAT without him……and i have grown into a beautiful young girl…….Brain…….i dipise you…And i have a real dad to support me

  3. the great man 03.Jun.03 at 3:46 am

    hurting so much….

  4. help 04.Jun.03 at 8:53 pm

    my “real” dad left before i was born..the wernt married he didnt even care…i’m unwanted…i feel like i’m missing something

  5. Lisa 10.Jun.03 at 11:35 pm

    I am searching for my biological father, Jon Boyd. I was born in Orange County, Ca. on July 27, 1967. I don’t know much about you and mom won’t tell me any more other then you left when i was 5. I don’t remember anything about you but I’d like to. I am not bitter nor am I angry anymore. I just want to know who you are. You gave up your parental rights when I was 16 and my step~father, Jeff, adopted me. Have piece of mind that he has done a wonderful job and is a good man. My brother, your son Jim, is doing well also. He has had a hard time letting his anger towards you go. I also would like to know if I have any other half brothers or sisters. I hope I find you soon, Jon Paul Boyd. Maybe someone who reads this will know who you are and let you know that I am looking for you. The last i knew you were residing in california and your father, Paul Boyd, in Canada. Keeping my fingers crossed, Lisa Suzanne.

  6. Marshall mathers 04.Jul.03 at 3:06 pm

    Um my dad left me I fucking hate him so much fucking toser, he left me when i was only 3years old i guess. I dont care what the fuck he has put me through he is stupid and leaving my mom to do all shit for me. I’m better without you.

  7. sally 04.Jul.03 at 3:08 pm

    hurting me so much but me no stand a chance of seeing you again.

  8. debbie 04.Jul.03 at 3:12 pm

    come on guys you all know these weird biological parents of ours left because they hated us, also that they don’t care about us, left us to grow on our owns. Smart ahy. And we succeeded.

  9. vanessa 28.Sep.03 at 5:41 pm

    i finally got the courage up to write to my biological father…well i thought maybe he might be as excited as i was to finally be in touch with him, i haven’t seen him since i was 2 so it’s been 27 years, of course he didn’t write back or call. it really hurts to feel that kind of rejection. i would never want anyone to feel or experience that kind of rejection. who knows what he is doing or what kind of man he is, he has his own “new” family now and i’m just a burden from the past…i don’t need him as a “parent” i just wanted a little resolution, people can be so cruel – we just want some answers. God is my only true father, He will never reject me or you. have faith everyone.

  10. T:J 06.Oct.03 at 12:35 am

    i dont my bio-father
    he left me
    at a very young age
    i still wonder what he looks like
    but i am better without him
    its just it hurts not knowing
    who he is

  11. jane 15.Oct.03 at 12:40 am

    i hear you
    biological fathers
    are losers
    pigs!

    ohio`

  12. Jamie Hight 04.Nov.03 at 8:23 pm

    When I was 17 my mom slipped up and told my boyfriend that my dad isn’t my biological father. One year later my boyfriend reveled the secret to me and said, ” Tim Hight isn’t your.. Biological father.” It’s been three years now, and this still makes me cry. I had one paternity test that turned out negitive. My Mom handed me a name and a number of another possible biological father. Three months later I called him and the phone had been disconected or was no longer in service.
    CRASH! Alredy having to struggle with broken family issues my entire life, at age 18 the truth comes out. Complete strangers share my genetic information, and medical history. I hope to meet them because they are a part of me. My biggest fear is that I’ll never find my biological father,
    so I’ve made the decision to start looking. I’m overwhelmed with emotions, and want some type of counciling. Life is to short to spend dweling on things that are out of my control, but I can’t stop thinking about it. Any advice?

  13. Chris 05.Nov.03 at 7:32 am

    I was told at 16 that I was another man’s child. When I was 34 I had the lame idea that the man should know about me. I tracked him down from his high school records and drove to his house one day. He wasnt at all what I expected. Some aspects of his life were the same as mine but he was a totally different person and had lived with a different set of values than I had. Now two years later the man has shown zero interest in me. Has other kids and his own life. Not all examples of this situation end the same but for all of you out there facing this, be careful. Dont set yourself up for an ending or beginning of a relationship. Some bio-dads embrace their lost children and others neglect them even more than when the child didnt know about them. My example is as such. He lives 45 miles away and has my address and email but makes zero effort to want to know me. Its his decision and I have to respect it but yes, it hurts like hell. Just like Jodi, I dont really fit in with the “family” that I’ve always known. We should all be in a support group and talk about our issues. I for one would hope that it would bring understanding and some kind of closure. There are reasons why our bio-dads leave us out of their lives but the offspring shouldnt be punished for it. To all of you I say, I love you for who you are and it doesnt really matter what the bio-dad does. We all need to surround ourselves with those that love us for who we are. And set examples for the rest. I could never ignore my child no matter what the situation. Thanks for letting me talk/vent.

  14. matt campbell 21.Nov.03 at 11:55 pm

    Then there are some of us who spend late nights looking for our lost daughters because the mother found a something better,or we were just used as a sperm donor,some of us spend sleepless nights looking and hoping she find me, we all share the same feelings,only animals have no feelings.my daughter name I heard is Crsytal and her mother name was Sandy Brown. She left me before Crystal was born, back to her old boyfreind.born in Dallas.

  15. Brenda chanthalima 25.Nov.03 at 9:58 am

    Ive known my best friend for about 13 years now.Ever since we were younger I always wondered what happened to her father.Where did he go?I asked her one day about the topic and I have never seen her so sad in my entire life.We are 15 now but Im hoping and praying to God that one day her father will come back into her life and make everything all better for her.Im doing the best I can to help her and she doesnt even know it.

  16. vero andrews 30.Nov.03 at 2:05 pm

    my biological father left my mom when i was two and took me with him.my mom didnt tell any one i was gone until four days later.my mom got me back.when my sister was born he took one look at her and said my sister wasnt his.i know my biological father’s name i just dont know how to find him.can somebody please help me?

  17. normas daughter 03.Dec.03 at 7:11 pm

    When i was seven i was told that the man who raised me wasent my real father. my real dads name is lawrence crane Ive tried to reach him but i have had no luck all i want is to meet him before my sixteenth birthday wich will be on March 23.

  18. edward k. smith 13.Dec.03 at 1:11 pm

    looking for my real dad born in kansas city missouri was in the air force at walker air base in roswell n.m. marlane j. wade is who he married and left when i was 3mos.. old i am 43 yrs. old today dec.13 i was born dec.13 1960. in roswell n.m.please help!

  19. edward keith smith 13.Dec.03 at 1:25 pm

    searching for my real dad william keith smith married marlane jeannette wade roswell n.m. he was in the air force at walker air base in roswell i was still an infant when he left. today is my birthday dec.13,1960. i`m 43 dad, where have you been all my life? i don`t know if you are still living!

  20. Lisa 04.Jan.04 at 2:54 pm

    I am 41 years old, married and a mother of two young boys. During my first pregnancy, when I was 36, my doctor asked me which of my parents had my blood type – in case of emergency. That night, I asked my mom and she hesitated. I found out that my dad was not my biological father and my mom said she never had planned to tell me because she didn’t think it was “necessary.” And, I was forbidden to ever mention this to my legal father. At the very least, I had found out that my biological father lived in the same town. I contacted him and asked to meet with him over lunch and he said he would call me the following week – – he never did. I simply wanted to learn about who I really was, and not necessarily develop a relationship with him. Just wanted some sense of closure. My mother said I was free to seek him out publicly after my legal father passed on. So, as luck would have it, my legal father just passed on Christmas day last week and I found out that my biological father died last month of lung cancer. So, I agree with you Chris, don’t leave yourselves open for rejection or unanswered prayers. If God meant for us to meet our biological fathers/mothers, he would have graciously put them in our paths. Be thankful for the life that you have and do your best to live your life truthfully. This is all we can do to ensure this level of deceit and tragedy doesn’t wreak havoc on the lives we touch. God bless.

  21. Chris 06.Jan.04 at 1:11 pm

    Thank You Lisa, Even today I am still fighting those emotions that all of us in our situation face. My wife gave birth to my first child on Nov. 11th and I promised myself and him that I would never leave him or my wife. To have to grow up wondering “what if” is a crushing blow to anyone. As you said, “be thankful”. I am so thankful for my family and friends. Even someone like yourself and Jodi whom I’ve never met can offer some short words to make us feel better. Bless you.

  22. April Prater 13.Jan.04 at 5:27 pm

    I am looking for my biologiacal father James Clyde Fugate. I went to a search place and paid to get info only to come up empty handed because the info. that I recieved I wrote a letter to the address that I got and my letter was returned. All I want is my medical history. From what I understand he lives in Independence,Missouri. I know what it’s like just to want “any” info I could get. I am sure other like me are out there not wanting a relationship just some type of closer or whatever. If anyone has info please contact me. Thanks

  23. Stevie 13.Jan.04 at 8:48 pm

    my biological father left when my mother was preagnant with me, the only thing i know about him is his name, and i have always wanted to try and find him, but, my mother doesn’t think that that is a very good idea. All i want to know is why he hasn’t been there for me my whole life, i am 15 years old and i have never met him. Aren’t your parents supposed to be there for you to support you through out your life?? I am not even sure if he knows that i exist. My mother has never gotten married, so i have never had a father- and now i just want to find him and find out who i really am. My fathers name is edward raber, so if anyone has any info on him- it would help me out a lot. Thanks

  24. Howard 05.Feb.04 at 8:56 am

    I’m a pastor in the process of writing to a biological father for one of my members.

    Her parents have passed on and She would like to meet her bio-dad for a since of closure.

    Do any of you have a draft of a letter to a biological father that we could use as a model?

    If you do, even if it’s a phase or so, send it to my e-mail: hkharris62@cs.com

    thanks

  25. Melissa 15.Feb.04 at 2:07 pm

    Tom Pruitt is his name, he was having an affair with my mother, Mary Anne, in 1975 in Tulsa, OK. They met in a bar, “the Kat Patch” where she worked and he delivered beer. For a year they “dated” and once he found out she was pregnant he admitted to being married. He visited me until I was 2. He and his wife threatened to “take me from her” if she tried to get child support. So she didn’t and soon lost contact with him. I am interested in meeting him, regardless of how much of a looser he sounds like, I would still like to meet him, just once is fine I really don’t anticipate a relationship with him, in fact, if I never meet him, life will still go on and I will still have a wonderful family of my own. A part of me feels ridiculous for even subjecting myself to his rejection! But if you know him or can help me find him, please call me at 512-659-2340. Thanks, Melissa

  26. ebonicia oldacre 19.Feb.04 at 3:11 pm

    I’ve been trying for the past 20 some odd years to find my biological father and had no luck in meeting him face to face. The only information that I to go by is the name that is on my birth certificate. I don’t understand why it is hard for us to see each other or get to know one another, but I feel as though it is very important for us to meet. A lot has went on in my life that he needs to be aware of. I’m not the same person that I use to be. Dad, if you are out there and have access to the internet or a computer, look at the last name and if it should ring a bell or whatever in your head [in which it should register that you have a child with a woman that had that last name when you met her], please send a reply message with some type of information on how I can get in contact with you because I really need you to either locate me personally or leave me a telephone number or address to where you are living so that I can get a hold of you. It will be beneficial to the both of us for me to know who you are. I can not go on any further in my life not knowing who you are or where you live. My life is really getting stressful not knowing anything about you at all. It will relieve me a great deal if you can meet me half way on this. I refuse to keep going to my mother, stressing her out all the time with questions in which you should be the one to give me the answers that I need to continue while life prevails.
    Sincerely yours,

    YOUR LONG LOST
    CHILD,

    E. OLDACRE

  27. ebonicia oldacre 19.Feb.04 at 3:25 pm

    P.S.

    DAD, I KNOW THAT THE NAME ON MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE FOR YOU SAYS; “YUSUF ALI” IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME. IF THERE IS ANYONE WITH ANY TYPE OF INFORMATION PERTAINING TO MY BIO-DAD, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SEND ME AN E-MAIL LETTING ME KNOW THE REAL DEAL WITH HIM, IF HE’S DOING WELL OR WHATEVER THE CASE MAY BE SO THAT I CAN GO ON WITH MY LIFE WITH QUESTIONS ANSWERED THAT I NEEDED FOR THE PAST 33 YEARS.

    E. OLDACRE

  28. Daria 28.Feb.04 at 6:38 am

    My biological father was an older man and a womanizer who my mother left before I was born. I’ve been raised by my Dad, who is more of a father to me than any blood relation could presume to be.

    When I was eight or nine, we were coming home from a department store and my mother realized that the Sperm Donor (as he is called by me) was in front of us. She asked me if I wanted to meet him, I said yes, and we followed him home.

    When we pulled over in front of his house, he got out of his car, walked up to my mother’s window, looked in the backseat, and said “Is that her?” It was as if I was a dog or something. Tentative plans were made to meet up the following weekend, and he stood me up.

    A couple of years ago there was a fire in his house. His daughter had to jump from the window into his arms. We drove by while we were in the neighborhood a few months ago and found him sleeping on his porch; the house is still condemned. That was an awakening of sorts.

    It’s still amazing to me that I have half-siblings out there. I hope that he isn’t screwing them up. I’m glad that it’s not me being raised there.

    This turned into a novel. Sorry. I guess it’s comforting to see that I’m not the only one sometimes feels she doesn’t quite fit.

  29. jennifer lopez 13.Mar.04 at 4:20 pm

    i want to see may dad really badly and the dad that made me famous is not my real dad if anyone out there knows my really da i waill give them 200,000 pounds

    thanx

  30. Nikki Sayers 16.Mar.04 at 8:36 am

    I never have met my biological father..i want to….im 15 almost 16 in a couple of months…i live in Ohio….my father’s name is Christopher Paul Sharp….if anyone has any info on him plz e-mail me at Demonicangel_913@yahoo.com id really appreciate it…thank you

    Nikki

  31. Kelly 27.Mar.04 at 10:05 pm

    Hi Everyone,

    I recently located my biological father using a service by Intelius.com. I’m not affliated with them whatsoever. I merely came across their website on a Google search one day. Anyway, I’m in the process of writing a letter to him. For a little money, you can find a lot of information, assuming you have a name to search for. Hope this helps those who don’t know how to found their biological parents. Good luck!

    Kelly

  32. scm 02.Apr.04 at 12:33 am

    I am 37 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. I know who the biological father is but I am not with him. I have a boyfriend who I have been with for 6 years now and plan on being with forever. He will be the daddy in her life from birth. He knows the situation also. I am worried because I dont know if it will be hard on her to have two fathers or confusing for her? I really want her to be close with my boyfriend and call him dad!
    The biological father wants to be a part of her life and help raise her which I guess is good but I really dont want to leave her with him ever, I WANT HER TO BE WITH ME AND HER DADDY! This is all my fault. I guess you all would suggest I let her know who her bio father is though. And I most likely will, scm

  33. Eadams 23.May.04 at 10:08 pm

    All,

    Intelus is a good site if you have some general info like a name and approximate age and state. If your mothers are still living, be relentless on getting all the information you can, if nothing else for your health history.

  34. Tracy Quinonez 08.Jun.04 at 2:14 pm

    My biological father left when I was 8 years old. He has three daughters. I am the oldest. I don’t know exactly what happened between my mom and dad. All I know is that there was a big fight and he told my mom to tell us he was dead (I was on the other line). We never heard from him again. As I got older I was curious about meeting him. I contacted him when I was 16 and met him. I wasn’t very impressed. It was in the 70’s and he looked like he had some partying in his lifetime. From then on I would run into him occasionally at a funeral (which I would attend only in hopes of seeing him).

    Three years ago I contaced him (after another funeral) and we reunited. This time we met we embraced each other. From then on we have called or see each other every week.

    Before I met my real father I always felt like the black sheep of the family. My mom remarried and married a wonderful man who I call and he will always be my dad. As I grew up, I got married, had kids, but that still didn’t make me happy. I got divorced, remarried, cheated on my second husband, got divorced again. This kept going on and on. I was searching for the man that would make my happy and whole again. That man was my biological father. Since I have met him I have changed my whole life. I am content and very happy. But . . .

    My mom passed away a year ago today. I told my two sisters that I had contacted him and that I was seeing him. They now do not want anything to do with me or my kids. They think I am scum and trash for getting to know him and how could I have done that to my dad. They told me if I ever told my dad that I was seeing my biological father they would kill me.

    Well, I told my dad and he is the only one in my so called family that understands. He told me I was always curious about my biological father and if that made me happy by all means keep seeing him.

    He knows I love him very much and no one could ever change that.

    So now I know my biological father and I am happy but I feel I had to sacrifice my sisters to know him. I try to say to myself that’s their decision but I still miss them. It’s not right.

  35. niqwa 09.Jun.04 at 2:39 pm

    I wish I knew who my father was. If I did, I am sure things would be different.

  36. marie 24.Jun.04 at 7:33 am

    i’m searching for my biological father as well i’ve asked my mum about him loads but she won’t tell me who he is which is sad for me because i don’t know how i’m going to find him i wanna thank my friends for putting up wiyh me about it and i especially wanna thank my bestfriend Cayleigh Roddam and my friend Rachael Light.i really hope i will find him soon. i am glad i’m not the only one in this world without a father. thank you to everyone

  37. ashley 25.Jun.04 at 11:27 pm

    i have wanted to know my biological father for so long and some times my step dad makes me mad and i wish i knew who the real man was?sometimes i wish i knew everthing and when i think about what he might look like or how he might be i start crying , i haven’t seen him since i was like 2 and now i’m 13

  38. JustMe 26.Jun.04 at 9:04 pm

    Any man can sire a child
    It takes someone special to be a “dad”

  39. misha rouse 01.Jul.04 at 7:47 pm

    p am looking for my bioliogical that i don;t ever remenber seen at all in my life i’m thirty something years old all i know is his name is william legget, i was born in greenville nc he dated me mother claudette, you would think if he is alive did or do he wish to see and get to know me, he will be glad and so would i. please help me i don;t know what else to do,

  40. nicole 13.Sep.04 at 12:21 am

    hi my name is nicole, and i am searching for my father, his name is roanld howard, he left me when i was about 1. i last seen him in guam, which was where i was born at!!!!

  41. Laura 25.Sep.04 at 10:40 pm

    Hi. I was reading everyone posts. I can relate a little to each one of them. I too am a child that grew up not knowing my biological father. I was lucky to have a wonderful step father who later adopted me at the age of 16. Now at the age of 35, I decided to find my real Dad. Wow, what an experience. I will tell you the experience has made me grow as a person. I have learned that I have two sisters out there, which I have not met but hope too. My biological father has turned out to be a wonderful man… he simply made a costly mistake which I know he regrets. Okay… maybe I am a softy, but the reality is… I found him… already after just 6 months, several meetings and lots of emails, I can say, I love him. We look alike and have a lot of similar personality traits. My message to anyone out there… if you are searching for your father, go with an open heart… since we cannot change the past… embrace the future. I feel so lucky to have found a new friend.

  42. chalie wood 01.Dec.04 at 10:44 am

    hi i am looking for my biological father his name is robert kirk brown he used to live in bury st edmunds, he had me with my mother debbie jane waters, my name is chalie wood (brown) im married and have a little girl i am doing fine on my own but i would really like it if you got in contact with me i need some answers about health problems and other stuff too. i was born 16/06/1986,